Random...





My mind is taking a turn…for better or for worse?  That answer the future is given.   My life is as grammatically structure-less as the sentence before this one. In chaos and uncertainty, I struggle to keep my proverbial “shit” together.   Right now, I am struggling for the future that I want to have, and yet in this realm of what I call a “lifeless life” that I live right now…I cannot see my north star that I am suppose to reach.   Well “suppose” is an arguably arguable word in my case.   I am old enough to “go” get a life I want and yet there is this other part of me which I believe is my rational self who, time and again says that , “Do this or you will regret it forever”.   I really have to meet this other self who always have a says in every says that I want to say about life.
Huh…I thought I would be a star and in a prime of my life when I begin my 20’s.   Look at me now! Already 2 years past my twenty and desiring a farmer’s life!  Even farmer has a life marred with hopeless hope. Hmm…Hope. What a funny word! Actually it is not a funny word for the 80% optimist that this world consists of.   Rest 20% people like me call it funny.  It’s an illusion...a trick.   And a seriously funny or funnily serious trick…because it actually works.   “Hope” has made animals of humans.  Oops sorry…beast of animals…oh no…humans of animals…ah that sounds just right!  Hope is like that jovial song… “You are as brave as you make believe you’re.”  Hell yeah! I tried using this trick on my mind a couple of times.  Alas…its effect lasted for 23 minutes.  And then I just yawed and let this billion dollar idea rest. Same goes for "happiness". It's a very interesting concept which is equally  equivocal to me.  I did try to make this little sunshine called happiness a central part of my life at one point of time...but then it was a matter of just 24 hours. After that i fell back on the cushion of pessimism and am living happily ever since.  Hmm...cant say if the problem is the problem that these two concepts have....or am I the problem in myself.  Hmm the latter has a high probability.  But because living in denial is something I have done since like forever... huh whatever!
I can still make it “big” they say.  All I need is a push…inner calling.  My inner calling almost always says…listen to my rational self…work hard…burn the midnight oil. Hey! That is what everyone else says. Ugh! This is confusing.   Have you ever tried to divide 546315/15426 without a calculator?...Well I still don’t know how to divide that number by that other number .  And they say I have to learn to divide 546315/15426 till November 2015 to bell the CAT!  Huh…this world is really funny.  But you know what the epitome of all the madness is? To imagine the future without you yourself in it.  Well that sentence is nastily sad for someone saying it and for all the people related to someone who says it.  Or is it not sad at all? Ugh! What a confusingly confusion everything is.  I have loads of shit to do including the “getting my shit together” part I mentioned before.  But this casino royal’s “You know my name” won’t just quit playing in my name!
Till then I love you earth and all the people who live on this awesome planet.  And especially those people who dream and sing and strongly feel that marijuana should be essentially made a staple food in a country where all misfits like me live.
Till then. Signing off.

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