Tabula Rasa
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Loneliness is not a foreign feeling. It resides in all souls – at all times- waiting to resurface. Being alone, on the other hand, can feel so good – until the time it transcends to undesirable loneliness.
I have been alone for some time now. Days go by without me even realizing its constant presence. And there are days when I panic with the thought of it. I realize it strongly, during my happiest times. When my heart is overflowing with exuberance, but there is no one I could clink my glass and celebrate. Of course, I still have my parents. But they have reached a stage in their lives where they are more of a spectator to all my major successes or failures, believing that now my life has rolled out on a different plane than theirs and has a pace that does not affect their lives. My friends too have their lives moving at a break neck speed to be present at each of the occasion of my joys and sorrows. In just a year – I realize how much I have been taking for granted – the people that I had in my life.
There is a practical somberness in every acquaintance I make – expecting least to turn it into a meaningful friendship. So now I love hard whoever arrives with a breeze of love. Fragility of this life was never so stark. I know that someone who claims to profess his love to me today, can stare at me with lifeless disinterested eyes tomorrow. So now I hold on to moments with these people. I love people for that moment, where love seems so eternal.
Why should humans expect anything to last forever when life itself is so bluntly mortal?
Why do humans pursue revenge, vomit hate, garner ill-fated bile in their veins- when they very well know that destroying others will only leave them empty later on?
Why not choose to love unconditionally and boundlessly when your loved ones are still breathing?
Why not love yourself with all your flaws and limitations when you are still alive?
I have always been alone. Even as a child. And I got by just fine. But now – it’s difficult. It’s difficult to maintain friendships, relationships without having mountains of expectations behind my back. It’s difficult to let go or to forgive. It’s difficult to be by myself with ‘shunya’ thoughts – with a blank peaceful mind.
This kind of self-inflicted pain is unnecessary. So, I try to unshackle myself through meditation and yoga – only to find myself in pursuance of yet another handcuffs.
As I grow old, it’s getting difficult to love just for the sake of love. Everything is measured and pragmatic. My risk-taking appetite is shirking. I am agreeing with the very people who scoffed on my dreamy plans.
It’s like a plague- blinding me. Making things even more complicated.
I cry from inside to be born again – I crave to be in the state of tabula rasa – blank slate.

Tabula Rasa...well said
ReplyDeleteNice writeup as always. Hope u reach ur tabula rasa state soon.....
ReplyDeleteWaiting for Ur next blog release...
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